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The New Disease We Just Know You've Got   (May 10, 2006)



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No doubt you've heard of bi-polar disease, depression, anxiety disorder and restless leg syndrome. Maybe you've dodged all those bullets, but before you sigh in relief, answer this simple quiz:
  • Have you ever felt irritable?
  • Have you ever bought anything which was unnecessary?
  • Have you ever had trouble getting to sleep?

    Sorry, but you suffer from quatro-polar disorder. Yes, you. You're a classic case, and don't try to deny it. The first step to getting well is to admit it: your mood swings not just up and down, but sideways, and in both directions. (Unless you're a right-wing nut or left-wing fanatic, in which case you swing only up and down and left or right, which makes you a hardcore sufferer of the dreaded, incurable tri-polar disorder.)

    Fortunately, there's a cure--one which your overworked doctor can easily be convinced to prescribe, should you rush in and demand Zombiestra (TM). But only do so if you have full drug coverage in your medical plan, or if you're filthy rich. Only then will you be able to afford the wondrous relief to everyday life which is Zombiestra (TM).

    You may have mis-diagnosed yourself, thinking that buying all sorts of worthless junk just made you a normal, healthy American consumer. Wrong! That's a sure sign of quatro-polar disorder. Ditto for being irritable or having trouble sleeping enough. Just because you have a two-hour commute and have to get up at 4 a.m. to beat the traffic, or that thanks to layoffs and rising workloads, you're working 10 hours a day just to keep your job--that's no excuse! You're suffering from quatro-polar syndrome, to be sure.

    Fortunately, there's Zombiestra (TM). (First check with your insurance plan to make sure they cover diseases which are newly "discovered," then hound your overworked doctor for the prescription. Be proactive. Don't take no! It's your right to be over-medicated with drugs which only work 20% of the time.)

    Studies show that about 3% of the population suffers from mental disorders that can be greatly alleviated by psychotropic medications. Unfortunately, this leaves 97% of the population beyond our reach. Here at Astra-Zastra, we started with the intention of doing good but decided instead to do well--very well. Making piles of money just didn't satisfy our greedy stockholders, so we set out to make veritable mountains of profit.

    And that means enlarging our customer base to you. Yes, you. Unless you don't have any medical insurance. Then to heck with you, buddy, suck it up. Work it off. Go talk to your pastor. Whatever. Just don't ask us for a handout. We've got places to go, things to do, congresspeople to see, so shove off. Get lost, scram.

    Anyway, back to our problem. We need something to sell to you, a basically average human being. Our marketing people hit on a brilliant scheme: convince you, a gullible, know-nothing-about-science, easily swayed by fad, unhealthy, lazy, just-want-a-pill-quick-fix American, that you had a previously unknown condition that would magically be cured by our absurdly overpriced drug--oops, we mean medication. (That sounds so much more soothing than "drug," doesn't it?)

    They key, we discovered, is to identify symptoms which everyone has from time to time--irritability, sleeplessness, restlessness, a desire to shop, etc.--and turn them into symptoms of a horrible disease which needs correcting.

    Everyday life--getting irritated, for instance--is no longer the normal human condition; it's a disorder. In other words, were you a zombie, an organism without emotions or stress reactions of any kind, you wouldn't need Zombiestra. But alas, you are human, and therefore you have emotions. Too bad, because that means you're ill. And you very desperately need Zombiestra (TM).

    Of course nothing's perfect, so even Zombiestra only works for about 20% of the populace--the same percentage that reported feeling better after they took a sugar-pill placebo. And it does tend to cause bed-wetting, heart palpitations and extreme road rage, but we've got medications to counter those side-effects as well.

    So for maybe $500-$600 a month in meds, you're out the door and feeling nothing. Or. worst case scenario, all the symptoms which were supposed to be alleviated are still present--you're still racking up charges on your Visa cards--plus you wet the bed, have heart palpitations and experience hyperventilating road rage. What could be better than Zombiestra (TM)?

    Note: Zombiestra is not a real drug. For more on this topic, read this article from BusinessWeek Magazine: As diagnoses of once-rare illnesses soar, doctors say drugmakers are "disease-mongering" to boost sales.


    For more on this subject and a wide array of other topics, please visit my weblog.

                                                               


    copyright © 2006 Charles Hugh Smith. All rights reserved in all media.

    I would be honored if you linked this wEssay to your site, or printed a copy for your own use.

                                                               


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