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Musings Report #2 1-9-15 What Characterizes Positive, Enduring Relationships
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For those who are new to the Musings reports: they are basically a glimpse into my notebook,the unfiltered swamp where I organize future themes, sort through the dozens of stories and links submitted by readers, refine my own research and start connecting dots which appear later in the blog or in my books. As always, I hope the Musings spark new appraisals and insights. Thank you for supporting the site and for inviting me into your circle of correspondents.
Thank You Once Again, 2015 Contributors
Key supporters of Of Two Minds continue to make their annual outrageously generous contribution early in the new year. I am in awe of their support of the site, and can only try to repay their generosity with content worthy of their commitment: Michael S., John D., Craif H., Michael S., William S., Brian S., Gail G., Richard P., Yazad L., Brian R., David B., Kent M. and James P.
What Characterizes Positive, Enduring Relationships
Last week I posted this link in From Left Field, and I think it is worth further exploration: Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.
"For the past four decades, psychologist John Gottman has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.
Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other. With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects' blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.
From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast (fight-or-flight mode).
Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship.
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"
It seems to me that these dynamics are scale-invariant and universal to some degree, meaning that they operate not just in marriages/couples but in parent-children relationships, work-places, community organizations and even large political groupings.
Children make "bids" for connections and communication with their parents. When parents are too absorbed in digital devices, texting and email to respond to their childrens' bids, they are effectively turning away the bids when they ignore their childrens' apparently trivial questions and comments.
It's easy to see the toxic effect of this turning-away of bids on family dynamics.
It's also easy to recognize work-places characterized by the toxic emotional desertification of fight-or-flight hyper-vigilance masked by a superficial calm.
Though it may be stretching the human dynamics described by the article, I see the opportunities for connections and communication in the political realm as well. Politicians who respond to constituents' bids--or appear to--and who generate an environment of mutual respect--the opposite of fight-or-flight--can provide leadership in ways that are inaccessible to political figures that generate "disaster"-type negativity, conflict and heightened sensitivity to defense/attack.
Summary of the Blog This Past Week
2015: The War on Our Intuition That Something Is Fundamentally Amiss 1/9/15
2015: Everything Can Be Fixed by Printing More Money 1/8/15
2015: Asymmetric Oil Warfare 1/7/15
2015: Here's The Plan: Drive Everyone Into Ruinously Risky Bets 1/6/15
2015: A World Ruled by Hubris, Willful Blindness and Desperation 1/5/15
This week I addressed issues/dynamics that I think will be consequential in the year ahead.
Best Thing That Happened To Me This Week
Back in Hawaii!
Market Musings: More on the Head-Fake in the Price of Oil
The mainstream financial media is chockful of stories about $20/barrel oil and the Saudis' firm plan to maintain production regardless of the cost.
I have my doubts about this narrative for two reasons. One is based on thinking through the interests of the U.S. Deep State, some of which parallel the Saudis's geopolitical motivations and some of which may well diverge from the Saudis' strategy.
While the Saudis' obvious targets are Shi'ite Iran and its key allies, Russia and Syria, the negative impact is not restricted to rivals and enemies, and as a result the U.S. Deep State may prefer a more measured and orderly reduction in the price of oil--a price that bleeds rivals but doe not destroy domestic production and the exports of allies and states that the U.S. is attempting to keep in its sphere of influence.
The other reason is the continual reduction in production due to the natural depletion of existing oil fields. If these fields decline by 4% a year without new investment, and global growth slows by 3% annually, in relatively short order supply will drop below demand, and prices will soar on the margin.
The timing of this move higher is uncertain, but I suspect the cycle will take much much less time than is generally expected. Why? Investment in the oil sector is drying up fast, and as a result the capital needed to maintain production simply isn't available. Depletion is the consequence, and it's a consequence cannot be reversed in a short time-frame.
From Left Field
The Daily Routines of Famous Creative People (via GFB) -- compare your own routines to the Masters' daily schedules....
Matt Black Is TIME’s Pick for Instagram Photographer of the Year 2014 (via John S.P.)
Childhood Guilt, Adult Depression? New research shows differences in the brains of kids who show excessive guilty behavior, which may put them at risk for a host of mood disorders later in life.
Lego Reveals The Biggest Difference Between European And American Parents -- interesting, given that all too many U.S. moms and dads are guilty of being stifling, dependency-creating helicopter parents...
Renowned Trader Hall Sees $40 Oil ‘Absolute Price Floor’ -- words of experience...
What Heroin Addiction Tells Us About Changing Bad Habits "People, when they perform a behavior a lot — especially in the same environment, same sort of physical setting — outsource the control of the behavior to the environment," Neal says. -- well worth a read...
The Power of Market Creation: How Innovation Can Spur Development
Riyadh's Oil Play: Why the Kingdom is Keeping Prices Low
Hands on with MakerBot's 3D printed wood Later this year you'll be able to print with materials containing wood, metal or stone (via Lew G.)
China Starting to Realize America Isn't Necessarily in Decline (via Richard Metzger)
What matters more: GDP or happiness? -- another example of scale-invariance...
Not your father's price index: the Billion Prices Project (via Maoxian)
"The single most important luxury goods of the 21st century are private space and time." Dieter Zetsche (from Daimler Benz)
Thanks for reading--
charles |
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